"You can do this, you WANT to do this, you are fine, you put yourself here, you cannot give up, you have to fight, you are okay, you're fine, push, breathe, you're okay, breathe, this is fun, you love this, it's not cold, breathe, push, fight, you're fine, you're FINE, YOU ARE FINE!"
This is the constant self talk that went through my head on the swim. People do ask what I think about on these long lonely days. 14 hours and 7 minutes to be exact. You are alone. Just you and your head, and it's what you communicate to your brain that is going to make or break your day. Let me go back a few days...
Josh and I started our Ironman week on Wednesday June 22 in Spokane WA. It was our 8 year wedding Anniversary. What better way to celebrate than completing our second Ironman together? :). We stayed at Hotel Davenport and had a wonderful evening, restful, before we knew things would get a bit chaotic in Idaho.
On Thursday June 23 we drove to Coeur d'Alene Idaho to meet up with Elliot and other friends doing the race and staying in the house. We checked in at the expo, it was cold and windy, a lot like the weather prior to St George, I avoided looking at the lake because I knew it would NOT be like that race day and I didn't need that in my head. We grocery shopped,and generally screwed around.
Recovery legs!
On Friday June 24 I let Elliot talk me into pre swimming in the 57 degree white capped water as he was meeting some other people to swim. I stood looking at the lake and decided I was not going to get in that day, what was the point? It was very choppy, very windy and very cold. Again, it would not be like this race day so what's the point? :) Elliot made fun of me enough so I finally put my suit on and got in, surfed the white caps for a good 15 minutes and rode them back into shore. Looked at Josh, laughed at his "green with nausea look" and returned to shore.
Got out, changed clothes while cussing up a storm and ran to the closest coffee shop for a warm drink. Hung there all afternoon waiting for Ryan and Jessica to arrive with Elliot, Rick, and Dan Cadriel. Finally my best Iron Sherpas arrived and we went back to the cabin for the evening and to do some 3 person canoe-dling with Ryan, Josh and Rogue (this consists of 3 people and a dog in a canoe...yeah).
Skipped the athlete dinner (this is becoming a habit) instead for a hike at Tubbs Hill. Elliot and Tyler joined us and we had an awesome evening out on the beach.
Elliot and his "ladeez"
My Iron Sherpas Jess and Ryan!
Deep thoughts....
Saturday June 26 was the typical drop your stuff off, wander the expo, get some ART...Eat some cupcakes (pre Ironman ritual)
And then relax as much as possible and have photo shoots with your personal Iron photographer. (Insert Jessica Camachoplug: I am so blessed to have her as my sister inlaw. NOT because she takes amazing photos, has a phenomenal eye for cool stuff, and is just insanely talented at what she does. But because she is also one of the coolest women you will ever meet. Insanely fit, smart, supportive and fun as heck to be around. I am so lucky to have her and Ryan in my corner). Any pics you see on this blog post that are any good are obviously hers.
Elliot loves her too
So Friday night - Ride bikes, find out your aero bar is not screwed on, equipment check and pre race dinner of sweet potatoes and eggs.
The rest of the evening we lazed around, Ironsherpa Chad did our body marking so we did not have to mess with it in the morning and somehow I conned Josh into rubbing my calves!
The beauty of this race? I slept like a Champ despite our house full of people, & creaky floors. Ironman round two was very relaxed and calm. I went to bed at 8pm and was not ready to wake up at 4am for the race, slept like a dream. I love that it was LIGHT out in the morning that early in CDA. You don't feel like such a freak for waking up so early and knowing you will be racing into the night.
Sunday June 26 - Race Day
I woke up and laid in bed for a while, didn't feel like I was about to do an Ironman that day. I was very calm. Went upstairs, Josh had made me my usual oatmeal and blueberries with coffee. No nerves. Chatted with other racers, Elliot and Chad had already left. Tyler and Rick were on their way out. Cool, calm, collected. Josh, Ryan, Jess and I loaded up and were out the door. Arrived to the site at about 6, quick bathroom break, a little chatting and then down to the race site. Wow what a cluster. People everywhere. Dropped off special needs bags and got into my wetsuit on the grass. I didn't hear the water temp reading from the morning but there was no wind. The water was calm, like I knew it would be. ;).
The morning calm was shattered when we tried to get to the beach for the start. Walls of people in a narrow walkway. Had 15 minutes, 2400 athletes and one entrance to the beach, mixed with spectators, the pushing and shoving had already started. Oh well. Was fun. Tried to keep with Ryan and Jess, but it's nice knowing they are tough and will find a way too, and will be fine no matter what so hugged them about halfway through the mess of people and were off. I love having those two around, they just keep this feeling of calm and normalcy for these races. I don't think I'll ever be able to do an IM without them now. It's like they go hand and hand.
Swim Went through the archway to the beach and over the timing mat, and my feet hit the sand. So many people. This was the Only open water swim I have ever done with a beach start. I was pretty far back, maybe 10 rows and in the middle of the beach. I had read that this swim is perhaps one of the most brutal swims for this reason. Add the two loop component (you get out half way through and run over a timing mat and back in for loop 2) and the amount of carnage, chaos, punching, kicking, is Indescribable.
So back to the swim start. I am pretty level headed when it comes to swimming. I knew 2 things:
1 - it will be VERY cold
2 - there will be a lot of contact
I had the right mentality for this. Basically, 'you can handle it.' IMSG was 58 degrees and I did fine. My hands froze up and were unusable post swim, but it was manageable so I had that experience to rely on. I do not panic when getting swam over, kicked, punched, grabbed, etc. I just think my happy thoughts and realize the water will open up eventually.
Well....none of that happened this time. I had the most horrific experiences in this hour and forty-three minutes of my life. My goal for this swim was 1:30. I knew it would be slower than IMSG (1:27) due to the two loop format, the extra amount of people (only 1600 in that race) so less open water. So I was realistic. I haven't done anything to improve my swimming per se, just maintain it.
The canon goes off, give Josh a kiss, wish him luck and walk behind people. Keep walking, waist deep. Then people start swimming. I put my face in and just start swimming. Unless you have done an Ironman swim it's hard to explain the feeling of being in 55 degree water (yes, I was in 55 degree water for nearly 2 hours) and having 2400 of your closest friends constantly grab your arms, your feet, swim over you, kick you square in the ribs, side of your face, hold onto you, have your hands, arms and feet go numb and try to keep swimming. All while maintaining the "i love this! I signed up for this! I want to be here" attitude. But that's exactly what is going on. Am I having fun? Not in the slightest. The cold makes it feel like someone is standing on your chest the entire time. And this time, where IMSG my hands were frozen, this time my entire left arm went numb. You stand on that edge of panic the entire time. It's a fine line. And that's the fine line that keeps me signing up for these. I love that place. Not when I am there, but knowing that only I have the power to get myself out of there. Knowing I have, and continue to do so.
Video of swim start
My first lap was 47 minutes. On pace to my 1:30 goal as I knew the second loop would be faster as people were starting to spread out more on the course. I was feeling okay, mentally glad to be halfway. I got back in to make the 800 meter swim out to the first turn buoy. Left arm was hanging like a Nemo fin, and I was kicking a lot more than usual, but feeling fine.
As I made it to the turn buoy 3/4 a way through the swim I had a metallic taste in my mouth, took a breathe on my right and wiped my face. As I looked at my hand through my dark tinted goggles I saw something dark and streaked on my hand, something was not right, so I stopped. Treading water I lifted my goggles. Horrified, my hand was covered in blood. Began waving frantically for a kayaker. In no time at all a red kayak pulled up to me, I remember distinctly grabbing the black rope at the nose of his kayak while frantically wiping my face and running my tongue across my teeth. My mouth seemed fine. The man in the kayaker saw the blood "your nose is bleeding" my hand went to my nose, again more blood. Oh my God. I am going back and forth between panic and 'you're so close, only 1000 more meters!' The man is talking to me, this and that about medical. I snapped out of my panic and said "If I go to medical I'll DNF" I knew if they pulled me from the water my day was done. I was okay, I was not hurt, I had no idea why my nose was bleeding. I had no pain. My mouth was okay, my nose felt fine. It was just bleeding for some reason. I pinched it and held onto that rope. Damnit, it was so cold. Cold, cold cold. I could not stop thinking about that. Then my thoughts went to 'the only way to get out of this cold water is to swim to shore' and without saying anything else to the man I just left. I stopped a lot on the way back to shore. Just to breaststroke slowly, wipe my face. It seemed fine. I was fine. When I could see the flag and hear the announcer on the shore I was enlivened. I wanted out of that water so bad. I just kept thinking 'this is hell on Earth' sure it's dramatic, but at the time, you're not thinking clearly. OUT I wanted out.
T1And there it was, the sand beneath my feet. I stood up, saw the clock. Disastrous? Yes, at the time, but not at all. I was on LAND!!! And then there was Ryan and Jess beaming at me, right there. I muttered something about it being so awful, but inside I was so happy and relieved to see them, to be out. To get to do what I know and love - bike and run!
For the first time I did not even try to remove the top of my suit. I didn't want it off. I was so cold. I just walked up to the strippers. I had my two swim caps off, earplugs out, goggles off and zipper down. They did the rest and a damn good job at it. Then I saw Chad. He smiled at me, gave me some encouragement while I whined at him too. 'Oh it was so terrible, wah!' ;) He pretty much pointed me to my T1 bag and told me to get going. Good friend. No, really. That's all you can do in an Ironman. Keep going, what is done is done. You have 112 miles to focus on now. What happened in the water does not matter. HTFU and move on.
Move on I did. Grabbed my bag and a seat in the tent. I admit I was shocked. How could this be? Why did this happen to me? How was I going to recover? But all the while this is going through my head this wonderful woman, Rosie, was literally dressing me as I sat. It was a repeat of St. George T1. No use of my hands at all. The ring fingers and pinkies were curled inward and completely limp. I mentioned the numbness in my left arm and she did not like what i said. After a stern look from Rosie I said 'its fine its fine just cold!' two volunteers held me up to slide my swimsuit off, opened chamois cream bottles for me, pulled my sports bra over head, buckled my bike shoes and helmet strap. All while I sat there in a complete daze. All of the sudden I'm dressed and she points me to the exit. BIKE! Yes, that's what I shall do to get warm! :)
As I slogged (slow jogged) out of the change tent I saw the time 8:55, this invigorated me! If I hit my goal bike of 7:00 hours despite the disastrous swim I could still have a chance at my super stretch goal of sub 14 hours.
Sidetracklet me talk a little about goals. As my second Ironman I would be lying if I said I was out there just to finish. Sure, just finishing an Ironman is a feat in itself. There is so much that can go wrong on That day. It's a long day and truly a painful, logistical nightmare. But I have "just finished" an Ironman and damn that feels good. But as my second go around, it had better be, well...better. Otherwise, whats the point? I live my life always looking to improve myself. And this race was no different. IMSG I had no expectations other than finish as I always allow myself that in a new distance. This race - I did. Goals for IMCDA:
1 - Finish (should always still be the main goal)
2 - One hour faster than IMSG (14:57)
3 - Finish before dark (before they hand out mandatory glow necklaces)
4 - 2 hours faster than IMSG (13:57)
SUBGOALS
Swim: 1:30
Bike: 7:00
Run: 5:00
(with transitions this would have been goal 4)
Bike Well we saw how the swim went so I thought my day was going sour already. But here is where the positive mentality plays to your benefit. What is done is done, shoot for that bike goal! Have something you can feel good about at the end of the day.
And that is what I did. I knew the bike course well enough, have a Computrainer and have ridden it. I knew how to pace and trust my instinct and intuition. I don't have bike computers, or Garmins or heart rate monitors. I trust, well, me. And my trusty $10 orange Target watch.
So off I went, the start of the course is amazing and I am happy to be in familiar territory. The crowd is fabulous. We ride through town and out along the run course, one minor hill (the same that is on the run) and my chain is off. Cool, calm, collected I dismount and put it back on. I'm wearing my black kit with teal to represent OCRF (Ovarian cancer research fund) as my actual kit has not come in yet. So wiping a little bike grease on my shorts is no problem. Normally I'd be furious, but I talk a little to my bike and realize I just need to finesse the gearing a little bit better on the hills.
To be honest Im not in my usual good mood, I'm not talking to people on the course. I'm focused, I'm planning my next move at all times. Food, pacing, my mind is constantly working.
People tend to ask me what I eat on these rides, here was my plan, although I always supplement with course aide:
I need to eat 250 cals an hour and 24 oz of water:
15 min: 1/4 Pop Tart ( that was a new addition to nutrition and love it)
30 min: Thermolyte (salt)
45 min: banana
1 hour: Gel
Every hour was approx that plan. Keeps your mind busy.
The course: when I was out there, I hated it. Just being honest. It seemed relentless. It was very different than IMSG though nearly as challenging. I'm just not sure these courses suit me. Did I feel stronger this time? Yes. But I still get passed on climbs and tend to make up speed on descending technical sections and flats. it was mentally difficult to get in a rhythm. Very very steep short climbs, lots of twists and turns. Some fun sections too. I am writing this as what I experienced and I was truly in a dark place on the bike. I just was.
I came into town at 4:55 PM I could not believe how well I paced. I rode a 7:00:23 bike. Executed perfectly. I knew I needed a sub 5 minute T2 to give me any chance at sub 14. It was 4:04. My spirits were lifting. I was nailing this part of the race and the disastrous swim was a distant memory.
Run
I was so happy to be running. I knew I could nail a half marathon, after that I would either fall apart or hang on. This would be the true test of my 13 weeks of Crossfit Endurance testing. Could I hold out? Could I run this marathon?
I ran the first 3 miles just shaking it out. Low 10, high 9 minute miles. This felt very comfortable, my heart rate was very low. I knew my legs and feet would be a factor early on just from the intensity required on the hills during the bike. I was achy, I knew I would need lots of salt and potassium in the hot afternoon sun. Lots of people were cramping. I started to walk each aide station to ensure I would get potato chips, water and a 1/2 banana at each mile. This worked out to be 11 flat and i knew this would work. It hurt, but it would work and was sustainable through the marathon. I saw Josh right before the big hill. They added this section to this run this year. It's a big reason I chose IMCDA, A FLAT run. I do not think anyone would call this run flat by any means now. At mile 6 you run a very decent grade, up and over and then turn around and repeat the same hill to head back into town. I promised myself I would run it every time. And run it I did. Not sure it helped my pace but I had a strict no walking outside of aide stations rule and this hill was not an aide station.
I saw Josh 4 times on this run. Elliot had lapped me in transition and I only saw him on the way into the finish, solid 10:30 finish. I was uplifted every time to see Josh doing so well. I had hoped to be closer to him, but only for my sake. :)
The run was insanely gorgeous along Lake Coeur d'Alene and some of the houses were just magnificent. There was a dirt path alongside the bike path that we ran and I hopped on it and imagined I was just out for an evening run on the trails in Mesa. Quieted the pain and stress in my head to think of things familiar.
Again I talked to no one. I made no friends on the course that day. I was focused and determined to meet my goals. Loop 2 of the run was my lowest point, as soon as I entered town I hurt. I knew everyone hurt, and that helps so much. My feet just screamed at me. I told them I understood, and that soon we would be back on the dirt path. My IT band had awoken on the steep cambered downhill and wanted to really ruin my day. But I ignored it. I had to RUN. I still had a chance. I hit the half at 7:30 PM. It was then I knew, sub 14 was not happening. Not that I would not try. But I was hitting a wall and I would have to run 1 minute faster on the second half to go 13:59. I thought about walking it in. Walking feels so much better. Even an 11 minute mile shuffle feels like death at that point. Walk, walk, walk. My head is screaming at me. But no. I'm not walking. If I'm not going sub 14, I'm going 14:03 or damn close to 14 hours. And I knew sunset was close to 9PM. It's going to be light for me! RUN!
And I ran. And I loved it. I couldn't wait to get to get back to my path, I couldn't wait to see if I could run the hill again. And I couldn't wait to start drinking Coke! And it was the Coke that saved me. Well that and my motivational mile that said "HTFU then let's cuddle" I did enjoy that. But was I having fun yet? No. But when that sugar hit my system I was revived and knew I would at least make it. I just kept up with the shuffle and watched the sun fade into the distance. I was chasing that goal still. I was okay with letting the sub 14 slip, I was already planning my next attack...IMAZ 2012. And if I had made that goal on this day, I had considered hanging it up for Ironman. Now I'll continue to train, and train harder. I know with this focus I put into this one I shaved 1:50, that's one HOUR FIFTY MINUTES off my last time.
Totals:
Swim: 1:43
Bike: 7:00
Run: 5:07
Overall: 14:07
I know I've got much more.
I thought of all that. I thought of all those at home watching, tracking, cheering, I thought of those who waited all day in the hot sun to support me, I thought of Josh and how he must be feeling as he finished, and I thought of Grandma Noltner. And all of those summers on the lake, those summers that got me comfortable in the water in the first place. And I found myself wishing she was there so I could have thanked her for all of the things she gave me and taught me. I said a prayer of thanks, for the ability to be able to do these things...and I ran. Down Sherman street still packed with screaming fans. And through the finishing chute. Ryan and Jess were there, Josh, Elliot, Rick, Chad. So many people so many smiles. This is all why I do this, and will continue to do this. Is it fun? Not really. Definitely not at the time. It hurts more than I can describe. But in all of this I find purpose, and I've found strength, and amazing friends, and the support of an amazing family. There is nothing more important to me in life than family, friends and purpose. And Ironman gives me that.
