"What happened to you?"

Ah, yes. Where did I go? And literally - what happened to me? A few questions I have gotten from some people. I am finally ready to answer.

I lost my sh*t. Sorry for the language but thats about as blatant as I can put it. You know, when I signed up for Ironman I thought the time was right. My endurance experience was pretty extensive and it was just the time to make the jump. No matter what situation Josh and I find ourselves in we always have some experience to fall back on:

- Years of 24 Hour Mtn biking racing

- Backcountry multi-day snowboarding trips

- Rockclimbing

- Backpacking

- Marathons

- Road Racing

- Triathlons

- Work

- School

- Life

It all makes sense when you are going to put your mind and body to the limit. I can always go to some place where I have felt pain, or fear and focus and get myself through the tough spots. I can always say "remeber that time when you were hanging upside down off a 100 foot cliff and had to get rescued? Yeah, this isn't as bad! Remember not making that clip on a climb and free falling? Yeah, you were fine! Remember carrying 40 pound packs up 10,000 feet? You got this!" life experience ALL COUNTS, it ALL helps when your mind needs to go somewhere else for a little while. And I always liked having this "filecabinet" of sorts or experience to draw from.

Until now the end of March. I was in new territory. I had trained my body to pure exhaustion and still, was no where near making a goal. I have to say I am pretty lucky in that I have not had to deal with a lot of failure. I either don't put myself out there for failure, or I am just really really blessed. But one incident in years of training really shook me and I honestly, almost did not recover. This was a huge mental hit for me - and I struggled to regain composure to race Ironman St. George.

I think it surprised everyone. I am quite active on the Arizona Beginner Triathlete boards, have a good amount of friends in the sport, and many additional friends and family that have been alongside many of these races and adventures. So when we went off to Utah for a weekend, and then literally went DARK for the next month or so - yeah - it was weird. I stopped logging on BT, I stopped writing in this blog, probably posted 10-20 cryptic status updates on FB about being lost, unmotivated, SCARED. I felt like I was in this fog - and no matter what I did, I couldn't shake it.

What happened?

You know, no matter how I explain it, it will not make sense, and it will sound pretty rediculous or pathetic. But for someone who hinges alot of confidence on her abilities, this was a real terrifying, eye opening experience. It all stemmed from convincing myself that I COULD NOT do something. No matter what, I could not shake this from myself. And I know, deep down, that the ability to DO something is so much more mental than physical. I lost my edge, like I said, I truly lost my sh*t. I felt everything spiraling out of control, myself, work, friends, family. I couldn't keep any of it together. And then, I stopped trying. And the days before Ironman became a countdown to DOOM. I went from being completely thrilled and excited to train and experience this race to being absolutely terrified...I could step outside of myself and see how irrational it was but I could not shake my experience that caused this and it stayed with me, every single day and in everything I did.

Friends were supportive, and provided a lot of good motivation and "you can do it" type encouragement. And I spent countless hours reading and meditating on getting my head right.

And then it was time to go. If I did not have my amazing family coming, I may not have gone. I always love that Josh and I choose difficult challenges in everything we do, but for the first time I questioned this "adventerous spirit" and longed for a life of quiet normalcy. One I had always HATED the thought of. An Ironman was bad enough, but this one? I just could not imagine myself going through it. I focused on the trip being about seeing family, and not my "impending doom" (Yes I often referred to this race as such).

The week leading up to IMSG was a BLAST! Being around my brothers and sisters (wifes and husbands count in that classification) was amazingly relaxing and I found myself not really thinking about the race for the first time in MONTHS!

And then, the night before. I did not sleep a single minute. I could not get the negativity out of my head, the fear, literally a terrifying fear. Not necessarily of not finishing, although that is what fed it for so long, but just putting myself out there. I could not FATHOM doing it, getting in the cold water, climbing those hills, PAIN and FEAR of not making cut offs for 10 or so hours. It wasn't that I worried about not being able to handle it, it was that I DID NOT WANT TO. I had spent so much time questioning WHY I was doing this...for what good? And like everything you do that is meaningful and perhaps, life altering, often times the reason does not come to you immediately.

In the morning I told Josh, I couldn't/ I wouldn't do it. I think my attitude the last month shocked the hell out of him. WHO was this person? Where did confident, fearless, conquer the world Jen go? It was a hard time. And this morning 3:45 AM on race day, I was no different.

Like I have told some people, if I could bottle the words he said to me that morning laying in the dark - I would and I would sell it for lots of money! ;) I just remember him telling me how much he believed in me. And how he KNEW I could do it, how I needed to SAY it and truly believe it. I did - and in that split second, for the first time in a month, I truly believed it.

It's all about believing in yourself - truly believing AND having other people who do as well. True support is the most amazing thing anyone can have. Without it, this race meant nothing to me. But having my family, and my husband have SO MUCH faith in me to accomplish (whether its an Ironman or ANY GOAL you have) it was an overwhelming feeling. I WANTED more than anything to make them proud. To show them their faith in me meant the world, and that I would not let them down.

And I didn't - because I didn't let myself down. The race was a celebration of overcoming a dark point in my life where I doubted myself. I am lucky to have people there to bring me up - and coming out on the other side - an Ironman finisher means that much more to me. I honestly could not have done it out there on my own.

You all truly were - my reason.